Parenting is a full contact sport for both sides

Please don’t bodyslam mummy

Please don’t headbut mummy

Please don’t kick daddy in the balls

Please don’t throw daddy’s phone

Please don’t poke mummy in the eye

Please don’t throw mummy’s glasses on the floor

Please don’t throw your toys over the railing

Please don’t hit the little boy

Please don’t push that little girl over

No, we can’t climb that tree

Just be careful on that log

Can we not climb in that rabbit hole please

No, don’t walk into the nettles

If you do that you’ll fall down the stairs

Look, wait, stop, arrrgghhhh

You can’t just walk off the edge of a bench you know

Don’t poke the dog’s nose

Well if you wave a stick like that of course it’s going to hit you in the face

Not the face, not the face, not the face

How the fuck did you get in there

You are not riding your stroller off the edge of the sofa

Please don’t pull mummy’s hair

Please don’t yank mummy’s nipples


All these and variations on them have been uttered by me in the last seven days.


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